Story of R: Day 4

Mentoring_r

I haven’t been able to get my partner to do the 5languages test, but I think that we will be able to do that over the weekend, Madam. I hope that’s not an issue.

Mentoring_msnn
Not at all.

Like I said, it was not a priority for last night.

Mentoring_r
As for examples of being arrogant, I can quote the today’s example when I took my partner’s car from a shop and she said that I paid too much for such a trivial job. She wasn’t aware of the entire scope of repairs but instead of explaining it patiently I kind of jumped and said something to the extent “if you hadn’t broken it I wouldn’t have had to pay this much…”….. Of course I felt bad after this..

Mentoring_msnn

*nods*

How did she react?

Mentoring_r

She got angry with me at first.

Mentoring_msnn

And how did you resolve it?

Mentoring_r

I explained the scope of repairs in detail and she then agreed with me about the final price. But the thing is that I very often react like this and regret it later on

Mentoring_msnn

May I ask what it is you think you are reacting to?

Mentoring_r

I think it’s unfair accusations. When I really put my effort to please … but to no avail

Mentoring_msnn

So, you are reacting to a perceived inadequacy.

Mentoring_r

yes, that’s it

Mentoring_msnn

Ok. You were to come up with three examples. Do you have two more?

Mentoring_r

E.g. when going to a cinema, she wants to see a movie I usually don’t like, so I don’t want to go. She then gets angry at me… I know she will be angry but instead of going I prefer to stay home. I know it sounds trivial 🙂

Mentoring_msnn

Why would you rather stay home than do something that makes her happy?

Mentoring_r

I just can’t force myself to go

Mentoring_msnn

So, you look at it as a chore.

Mentoring_r

in a way, yes

Mentoring_msnn

And yet, you do other chores for her.

Mentoring_r

well, yes again

Mentoring_msnn

So, is your submission only when it is convenient for you? Or “sexy,” like you see in online photos and videos?

Mentoring_r

no, I don’t think that’s really it. I do lots of things which are not sexy or convenient but have to be done. There are just some things I don’t want to do. She knows it but pushes it nevertheless.

Mentoring_msnn

Why do you think she pushes it?

Mentoring_r

She wants me by her side.

Mentoring_msnn

And why is your dislike of a movie more important than being by her side when she wants you?

Mentoring_r

The problem here is that mentally I’m fully familiar with the mechanics of the situation and motifs behind it. I just can’t force myself – it’s this stubborness in me and lack of humility.

Mentoring_msnn

So, you are saying you are not in control of yourself?

Mentoring_r

the fun way to put it would be to say that I have this little stubborn troll inside me that I need to fight 🙂

Mentoring_msnn

It’s not fun for her.

Mentoring_r

Robo Slavedog: oh, it’s not fun for me, either

Mentoring_msnn

So, let’s not try to make it fun.

Mentoring_r

ok, sorry

Mentoring_msnn

So, give me a third example.

Mentoring_r

Sometimes she makes fun of me in a lighthearted, malcious way. Instead of laughing at it or accepting it I strike back with biting remarks. Which makes her angry.

Mentoring_msnn

Ok.

Why do you think she makes fun of you?

Mentoring_r

she has those moods

I called it her sadistic streak

Mentoring_msnn

What do you think starts those moods off?

Mentoring_r

I can’t fathom

Mentoring_msnn

Have you ever made fun of someone?

Mentoring_r

sure, who hasn’t

Mentoring_msnn

Why did you make fun of people?

Mentoring_r

I think we need to differentiate between an excersise in witty “word fighting” and intending to hurt someone by being malicious

Mentoring_msnn

Which do you think she is doing?

Mentoring_r

sometimes, the latter

Mentoring_msnn

And so, when you have been mean, and you have tried to hurt someone, why did you do it?

Mentoring_r

when retaliating

Mentoring_msnn

And why are you retaliating?

Mentoring_r

A natural response to an attack

Mentoring_msnn

If you are attacked, how do you feel?

Mentoring_r

I’m angry

Mentoring_msnn

Why?

Mentoring_r

Usually I’m angry when I feel that the attack was unsubstantiated and unjust.

Mentoring_msnn

So? Lots of things in the world are not fair. Why does an attack make you angry?

Mentoring_r

Because it comes from a person whom I value and who should know better

Mentoring_msnn

Should know better than to what?

Mentoring_r

that punishing someone should be based on merit and justice

Mentoring_msnn

An attack is not a punishment. You’re using two words for the same thing, but they mean different things.

Give me an example of something she says during an attack.

Mentoring_r

it’s usually not the words but the attitude and this anger as if something was my fault… when it clearly isn’t

Mentoring_msnn

So, you don’t believe she is giving you the benefit of the doubt?

Mentoring_r

She’s blaming me for something that I’m not responsible for. E.g. she was buying tickets to a theatre play online and she forgot her PIN to the account, she didn’t write it down anywhere, and got immediately angry WITH ME, as if it was my fault.

Mentoring_msnn

So, you are taking her anger personally.

And she is misdirecting it.

Does that sound right?

Mentoring_r

I think you’re right

Mentoring_msnn

Ok.

So, she is lashing out at you when she is angry, frustrated, feels out of control, maybe?

Mentoring_r

It would seem so

Mentoring_msnn

And when you lash out back at her, do you think it makes her feel better? Or solves anything?

Mentoring_r

I know it makes her feel even worse…. after I do it. But my first reaction is to fight back

Mentoring_msnn

So, how do you think you can change your first reaction?

Mentoring_r

I need to apprach with humility and patience. Calm down my emotions

Mentoring_msnn

Ah, but that brings us around to what you have not yet achieved. It’s a catch-22.

We need something more concrete.

Why do you want to be submissive to her?

Mentoring_r

Because I am

usually

Mentoring_msnn

That’s not what I asked.

I asked why you want to be submissive TO HER.

Mentoring_r

She does have these dominant aspects of her personality to which I react instinctively with submission. Also, she is the person I love and want to take care of. I want to make her life easier and more comfortable

Mentoring_msnn

Hmmm.

Your task for today is to come up with at least 10 reasons (20, if you can) that you believe she should lead your relationship.

These should not include the word “I” or refer to you and your wants at all.

Instead, they should focus on her qualities as a leader and lover.

Am I clear?

Mentoring_r

yes, Madam

Thank you for this discussion.

Mentoring_msnn

You are welcome.