Poly is NOT About Jealousy (Poly Is Not, Part VI)

Of course there is jealousy in poly. To suggest that there is not is the height of naivete, in my opinion.

However, poly, to me, is not about jealousy, per se. As my friend Pepper_Pots puts it:

The challenge of poly is there’s no good way to go about communicating “you are making a grave error.” Without it being seen as jealousy.

Which is exactly the wrong way to do poly, in my view.

I mean, if you’re going to ‘do poly,’ shouldn’t you be choosing good poly partners? And I’m guessing you are choosing good partners, or you have bigger problems than poly…

Actually, that’s and idea for another writing: Poly is NOT having a crap ton of bad partners, trying to fill in the gaps. That’s a long title. Hmmm.

But, I digress.

Anyway, you’ve chosen your partner(s) because they are fucking amazing, right?

So, when they say, “Oh, that one, he gives me the creeps,” or “Ummm, I really don’t feel comfortable opening our lives to her,” why would your first thought be that your partner is just being jealous?

I’m not saying they are not jealous. They may be.

However, the poly people I know work very hard to separate whatever jealousy they have from other feelings, like those gut feelings of ‘this person is not ok.’

They wrangle it over and over in their minds, trying to remove any untoward bias. They ask themselves if they don’t have ulterior motives. They fret over saying anything at all, and often try to hold out as long as possible, for fear of being wrong, or feeling like they are trying to take away your happiness.

They go through all of this, and finally say something to you, trying to be a good, communicative poly partner.

And you immediately think they are just being jealous.

No bueno.

After all, you are poly together, right? You’ve chosen each other for good reasons. You trust your partner(s) in so much.

Why not trust that while they may or may not be jealous, that they have something important to communicate to you, and take that communication, and thank them, and really think on it.

After all (I know I’m beating a dead horse, here), you TRUST THEM, right? With a lot.

Do you suddenly not trust them, because you have a boner for a new person?

FYI: boner also applies to lady boners… this s not a sexist thing in my world.

Or do you just not want to hear the bad stuff while you are enjoying the blissful ignorance of NRE?

Because you’re not in poly together for the jealousy, right? You’re in it for the love, the freedom, the sharing, the joy, the fun, the communication…