I haven’t been able to get my partner to do the 5languages test, but I think that we will be able to do that over the weekend, Madam. I hope that’s not an issue.
Not at all.
Like I said, it was not a priority for last night.
As for examples of being arrogant, I can quote the today’s example when I took my partner’s car from a shop and she said that I paid too much for such a trivial job. She wasn’t aware of the entire scope of repairs but instead of explaining it patiently I kind of jumped and said something to the extent “if you hadn’t broken it I wouldn’t have had to pay this much…”….. Of course I felt bad after this..
How did she react?
She got angry with me at first.
And how did you resolve it?
I explained the scope of repairs in detail and she then agreed with me about the final price. But the thing is that I very often react like this and regret it later on
May I ask what it is you think you are reacting to?
I think it’s unfair accusations. When I really put my effort to please … but to no avail
So, you are reacting to a perceived inadequacy.
yes, that’s it
Ok. You were to come up with three examples. Do you have two more?
E.g. when going to a cinema, she wants to see a movie I usually don’t like, so I don’t want to go. She then gets angry at me… I know she will be angry but instead of going I prefer to stay home. I know it sounds trivial 🙂
Why would you rather stay home than do something that makes her happy?
I just can’t force myself to go
So, you look at it as a chore.
in a way, yes
And yet, you do other chores for her.
well, yes again
So, is your submission only when it is convenient for you? Or “sexy,” like you see in online photos and videos?
no, I don’t think that’s really it. I do lots of things which are not sexy or convenient but have to be done. There are just some things I don’t want to do. She knows it but pushes it nevertheless.
Why do you think she pushes it?
She wants me by her side.
And why is your dislike of a movie more important than being by her side when she wants you?
The problem here is that mentally I’m fully familiar with the mechanics of the situation and motifs behind it. I just can’t force myself – it’s this stubborness in me and lack of humility.
So, you are saying you are not in control of yourself?
the fun way to put it would be to say that I have this little stubborn troll inside me that I need to fight 🙂
It’s not fun for her.
Robo Slavedog: oh, it’s not fun for me, either
So, let’s not try to make it fun.
So, give me a third example.
Sometimes she makes fun of me in a lighthearted, malcious way. Instead of laughing at it or accepting it I strike back with biting remarks. Which makes her angry.
Why do you think she makes fun of you?
she has those moods
I called it her sadistic streak
What do you think starts those moods off?
I can’t fathom
Have you ever made fun of someone?
sure, who hasn’t
Why did you make fun of people?
I think we need to differentiate between an excersise in witty “word fighting” and intending to hurt someone by being malicious
Which do you think she is doing?
sometimes, the latter
And so, when you have been mean, and you have tried to hurt someone, why did you do it?
And why are you retaliating?
A natural response to an attack
If you are attacked, how do you feel?
Usually I’m angry when I feel that the attack was unsubstantiated and unjust.
So? Lots of things in the world are not fair. Why does an attack make you angry?
Because it comes from a person whom I value and who should know better
Should know better than to what?
that punishing someone should be based on merit and justice
An attack is not a punishment. You’re using two words for the same thing, but they mean different things.
Give me an example of something she says during an attack.
it’s usually not the words but the attitude and this anger as if something was my fault… when it clearly isn’t
So, you don’t believe she is giving you the benefit of the doubt?
She’s blaming me for something that I’m not responsible for. E.g. she was buying tickets to a theatre play online and she forgot her PIN to the account, she didn’t write it down anywhere, and got immediately angry WITH ME, as if it was my fault.
So, you are taking her anger personally.
And she is misdirecting it.
Does that sound right?
I think you’re right
So, she is lashing out at you when she is angry, frustrated, feels out of control, maybe?
It would seem so
And when you lash out back at her, do you think it makes her feel better? Or solves anything?
I know it makes her feel even worse…. after I do it. But my first reaction is to fight back
So, how do you think you can change your first reaction?
I need to apprach with humility and patience. Calm down my emotions
Ah, but that brings us around to what you have not yet achieved. It’s a catch-22.
We need something more concrete.
Why do you want to be submissive to her?
Because I am
That’s not what I asked.
I asked why you want to be submissive TO HER.
She does have these dominant aspects of her personality to which I react instinctively with submission. Also, she is the person I love and want to take care of. I want to make her life easier and more comfortable
Your task for today is to come up with at least 10 reasons (20, if you can) that you believe she should lead your relationship.
These should not include the word “I” or refer to you and your wants at all.
Instead, they should focus on her qualities as a leader and lover.
Am I clear?
Thank you for this discussion.
You are welcome.