Relationship Black Holes

A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.

A relationship black hole is similar.

I call the topics and memories of your relationship that have become avoided topics black holes.

You, know, the sore spots that you avoid, rather than start an argument. The unresolved issues that both of you dance around, speak over, and generally try to pretend don’t exist.

Let’s look at an example.

You’ve had it. Neither of you is 22 anymore (or 19, or whatever), and you have responsibilities. You don’t need 22 shots of tequila, Jaeger, and God-only-knows-what-else every stinking Friday night.

Right?

So, you have the fight.

Talk. I mean talk.

And for a while things are good. Really good. Then, they slip. Not as bad as it used to be, but enough that you notice. And steam a bit.

So, you mention it.

But you don’t want to have that fight—talk— now. Because it will become a fight, and this weekend, you’re camping with friends and you don’t want to ruin it.

So, you agree to talk about it later.

And when you get home late Sunday, you need to get ready to sleep and get up tomorrow for work, and so you don’t bring it up.

And the week is hectic, and everything else is going great, and you don’t want to ruin the mood…

You’ve just created a relationship black hole.

BOTH of you know it’s there. BOTH of you avoid it, ironically, showing your ability to work together.

So, now you have it, because the longer you don’t discuss it, the easier it is to avoid it.

It becomes a habit.

After a black hole has formed, it can continue to grow by absorbing mass from its surroundings.

Once a relationship black hole exists, it not only remains unless dealt with, it grows. It grows by sucking in other nearby topics and memories.

You have your black hole. The two of you are amazing partners, though, so you’ve learned to work around it. It may never happen again, right?

Except it does.

Only, this time, it’s the Friday before your sister’s wedding, and, even better, your partner is with the same friend that they were with the last time that they slipped up.

Ooops!

You mention it. this time, though, because you know you’ve been avoiding the black hole, you mention the friend, suggesting they are a bad influence, and…

You start a fight. Talk. A very heated talk…

But it’s too exhausting, and there is a lot to do for the wedding, so it’s shelved.

Again.

And your black hole has now grown. It has absorbed previously innocent topics into it’s do-not-discuss gravity.

Let’s look at what is now potentially off-limits:

  • drinking
  • all alcohol discussions
  • THAT friend
  • Friday nights that include any sort of bar
  • weekends with plans

Because patterns… and you can be sure it will continue to grow and add experiences and people to blame and topics to avoid, until, eventually, it eats a huge hole in your partnership, made even worse, because your friends will accidentally stumble onto the edges.

  • Friend A is already a part of the hole, without even knowing.
  • Friend B slips in by inviting your partner out for “getting drunk and blowing off steam Friday,” without knowing that’s a sore spot.
  • Friend C falls victim talking about how they and your partner used to get “sooooooo drunk” back in college that they didn’t wake up until 4pm on Saturday—enough time to grab a few chili dogs, take a shower, and start all over again…

So, have you experienced relationship black holes? Did they grow, sucking up more and more space in your lives?

I’d love to hear your experiences.

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Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

“Your at rest face has the ‘I want to hurt you look,'” apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I’m not a sadist. Really. I can’t convince anyone of this, but it’s true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I’m connected with in some way.

And even then, I don’t have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it’s all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I’m not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I’m not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.

*grins*

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Why Do You Give A Fuck What Label I Use?

I do not identify as “Domme” on Fet.

I don’t think it is a clear enough picture of who I am. I like so many different sub-classifications that I simply chose kinkster as my label.

As such, I get a lot of questions, and quite a few propositions. And when I turn them down, I often get a snide comment about my label.

Thing is, I’m not special.

This label yourself according to MY definition thing is crazy prevalent. All over the place. People are trying to police how others can identify through some sort of strange personal set of standards.

Kinkster, to me, mostly covers who I am:

  • Dominant woman
  • Sex fiend
  • Top
  • bottom
  • Cuckoldress
  • Humiliatrix
  • Curious (about damn near everything)
  • Silly
  • Introspective

And yadda, yadda.

Yet, people write to me for THE SECKS, and when I turn them down, tell me I must not enjoy sex and must hate men.

Or ask me to top them, and when I say, “I am not a service top, I really only get pleasure from topping those I love, and frankly, I don’t know how to safely whip you,” tell me I’m not a kinkster.

And then there are those, who when see me bottoming for rope or fire or whatever, say things like, “I thought you were dominant.”

I say I love and prefer alpha submissives, and people go of on a rail about how alpha submissives is a label designed to make other submissives feel inferior for not being alpha… WTF? Seriously?

Why do you give a fuck what label I use?

  • Does kinkster make me more or less something than you think I should be?
  • Do you think that me saying I am dominant is an agreement to never enjoy getting my hair pulled during sex again?
  • Does saying I love sex mean to you that I mus then have sex with every human that ever approaches me, ever, or I lose my “I <3 The Sex” card?
  • Does saying I enjoy cuckolds mean that I don’t like other labels, or I think they are inferior?

Honestly, kinkster does not fully describe me.

If I had my druthers, I’d choose Epicurean.

It’s a philosophy of pleasure as the highest form of good. Hot as in hedonism, but in understanding that living moderately and choosing pleasures carefully is more important than excess and the harm that is cause to oneself and others as a result.

According to Epicurus, with whom a person eats is of greater importance than what is eaten. Unnecessary and, especially, artificially produced desires were to be suppressed.

I agree. Who one sexes with, tops with, bottoms with, cuckolds with, humiliates with, sillies with, dominates with explores with and introspects with is more important than the acts themselves.

But, as Epicurean was not available, I did as my dear friend Kiba says, and chose kinkster “because it was the closest thing to ‘yes’ in the drop-down menu.”

And still, I ask:

Why do you give a fuck what label I use? Or what label others use?

I’m curious. How do YOU see me (there are no wrong answers, just perceptions)? I’m open to all, positive and negative.

And how do you label yourself? And why?

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‘I Think’ Vs. ‘I Feel’: My Response

In response to this original writing prompt.

I did some research on low context/’I think’ versus high context/’I feel’ speakers, and I learned something very interesting.

They are representative of different cultures.

Low context— ‘I Think’—people

Low context people tend to be from varied cultures. Large cities, moving a lot, smaller family units, multiple nationalities and languages represented.

High context— ‘I Feel’—people

High context people tend to be from more homogeneous cultures. Smaller towns, growing up in one place, larger close-knit family units, and one-language type cultures.

Which I find fascinating.

While I did not spend a lot of my time in Large cities growing up, my life was very multicultural:

  • Small family unit: I was the only child of two only children.
  • University towns (my father is a professor): Many different cultures and languages.
  • Multiple nationalities: Not only did my grandparents host exchange students, we hosted traveling professors and had many exchange students over (Dad’s grad student from China convinced me to try chopsticks at the age of 6).
  • Multiple languages: I learned four languages when I was younger (I can barely speak them now, but I could pick them back up quickly, I believe).
  • I grew up around gays, poly, cross-dressers, trans, theater people, and philosophers, LOL!

I am primarily low-context/’I think’. I learned that not everybody thinks and feels the same way I do early on, and realized the assumptions made in high-context/’I feel’ speaking and listening do not translate well to other cultures.

And that’s exactly it.

The challenge is translation.

A high context speaking from an Italian family with a deep-rooted culture of dramatism and joviality will confuse the heck out of a high-context speaker from an Asian country where reserve and respect are the primary signs of love and affection.

Because they might be saying the same words but the assumptions are different.

So, I tend towards low context.

Does that mean I think high-context/’I feel’ is a bad thing?

Not at all.

I think it is incredibly valuable for bonding groups.

Here are a few examples of bonding in high context:

  • Pet names
  • Shared “looks”
  • Training signals
  • Private or “in” jokes
  • Ways to say “I love you” that aren’t “I love you.”
  • Shorthand speech, where all you have to say is that ONE word, and your partner or group knows exactly what you are referring to.

All of these things are very present in my life. I cherish every bit of them.

I do not expect to say “locust,” and have all of you bust out laughing. I do know a small handful of people that will, though, and they know exactly why.

I would not include that joke in trying to make a point, because the majority of people who read what I have to say would have no clue, and I would not be communicating.

So, what is my answer?

Low context/’I think’ is for writing on the internet, communicating with strangers and acquaintances, business transactions.

As I get to know a person better, I learn their language and they learn mine. We grow higher context together, translating when we get confused, popping down into low context when we need to clarify, then back up once we’re on the same page.

Or, we slip in and out, using low-context/’I think’ when speaking in deeply complex or emotional topics, and high context in lovvey-wuvvey stuff.

It’s not perfect.

This does not always work with high-context-all-of-the-time people. And I do my best to work with them, asking what they mean if I am not understanding, and stating exactly what I mean.

I am still not always able to communicate my actual thoughts and feelings clearly, because in many people’s world, it is not possible for a person to say directly what they mean.

And I’ll admit, that bothers me.

And I work on it.

A lot.

I keep an open mind. I say, “Your feelings are valid, and you obviously have a reason for feeling that way. I’m sorry I upset you. Let’s talk about this, because when I said XYZ, I really meant exactly that, not LMNOP. We can figure this out together, and I’m happy to keep working on it.”

And I do.

And sometimes, we manage to translate each other well enough to laugh later over our misunderstandings.

And that’s good enough for me.

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Paraphrasing Is An Amazing, Valuable Tool When Used Right (Thoughts On Communication, Part VII)

In my recent “Communication For Couples” workshop, I taught how I like to use paraphrasing in response to stated opinions and needs from my partner:

Partner: I am feeling yadda yadda when you bazinga because Rumplestilskin.

Me (paraphrasing): You feel blah blah when I whoopdeedoo because supercalifragilisticexpialadocious. Am I understanding?

Partner (digesting and thinking for a minute): Not exactly. More like I’m feeling and so on and so forth when you yippee because McDomlypants.

Me (paraphrasing again): Ok. So you feel rah rah when I she bop bop bop bop because ramalamadingdong.

Partner: Yes.

Me: Is there more you can tell me?

And so on. Repeat until my partner feels like I understand and have nothing more to tell me.

This is paraphrasing in a positive way. The goal is to use my own words to re-express what a person says and feels, to deepen and show my personal understanding.

OR… and this is critical… to find out what I’ve misunderstood.

Because NO ADULT in the history of the human race (and most children of verbal age and up) has never been wrong.

No one.

So, paraphrasing ideas and concepts into your own words is useful when you are using it as a tool to actually bridge the communications gap.

Paraphrasing is also manipulative, self-centered, and often wrong.

It can be used as a way to invalid another person’s emotions and position. It allows us (yes, I say us, because I still guard against this behavior) to wrap another person’s statements in our own biases, hurts and assumptions, and set up our own personal windmills for tilting.

The problem is, it hurts them and us. And it hurts trust and communication.

Let’s look at an example:

Partner: I am feeling yadda yadda when you bazinga because Rumplestilskin.

Me (paraphrasing): You mean you want to break up with me?

Partner: No. More I’m feeling and so on and so forth when you yippee because McDomlypants.

Me (paraphrasing): I can’t believe you’re saying this. I thought we’d be together forever.

Partner: I’m not breaking up with you. I’m just trying to express some feelings.

Me: You don’t even know what you’re saying. What you’re really saying is that you want to break up. I can tell. I can hear it in your voice. See it in your face.

Partner: I don’t want to break up with you. I’m just having a hard time…

Me: Why would you want to be with someone who treats you so horribly?

In this case, paraphrasing is used as fact. Not as a tool to communicate, but as a club to beat the other person over the head emotionally for daring to express any negativity.

It invalidates their feelings, and forces other feelings onto them that they had no interest in.

Have you ever…?

Been a victim of paraphrasing by someone who refused to acknowledge your actual thoughts and feelings?

Been the perpetrator, so caught up in your head and your fears and your biases that you unwittingly invalidated a friend’s or loved one’s feelings and thoughts?

I admit: I’ve been both, sadly.

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What is Dominance? a Day with NookieNotes at La Fortress 11/21/15

What is Dominance? In the world of BDSM, dominance has it’s own set of responsibilities that go way beyond the dictionary definition. In the first hour (or so) of our day, we’ll discuss what dominance is, and each of us can create our own personal definition, to use when choosing the right path, or when communicating with potential submissives.

And speaking of submissives, Let’s talk about who they are. What are the different types of submissives, and what is best suited to you? We’ll also discuss the Alpha submissive in this section, and how to handle those “usually dominant” handfuls with grace and compassion.

After lunch, (1 pm ) we’ll dive into two of my favorite topics: Communication and Behavior Modification. The afternoon will be all about how these two powerful tools combine to give you everything you need to be the best dominant you can be for the one or many submissives in your life.

We’ll not only discuss the theories, but as an interactive class, you’ll be encouraged to ask questions about your own situations, discuss your goals, and we’ll all help you craft your next steps.

You will walk away more aware of the currents of power in every little thing you do, and how to potentially turn those to your advance in creating a deeper, more fulfilling (mentally, emotionally and sexually) d/s relationship with your partner(s).

This class is designed for men and women, dominants and switches. We encourage you to bring your submissive partner(s) as well, as they can offer insight, and learn more about their own roles as the yin to our yang.

https://fetlife.com/events/394194

You definitely don’t want to miss this! Only $10 for ALL DAY? Uh, yes, please!

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PSA: CumBum

So, I love anal. So much, I wrote a book about it, In Through The Out Door: All about anal play and intercourse for men and women including pegging.

Because, hey! I love the many possibilities of anal sex, and I love sharing ti with the world.

So, I had a few people review the book, and one of my friends (Jazalyn) had this to say:

Your book is funny…and easy to read…it’s like asking someone you trust awkward stuff and you’re making it comfortable and not embarrassing.

Which is, pretty much, exactly what I’m going for.

So, today, out of the blue, she writes to me again.

Daddy…he loves the…mmm..serious Dom aspects of anal…particularly because I don’t have a lot of experience and I blush and get all flustered if he even mentions it.

But, after me talking so much to you…and me asking him to take things a little more slowly, and lots of lube…I’m really starting to enjoy it.

Which made me very happy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear when people are exploring their sexuality and finding new ways to experience pleasure.

After all, the anus has a LOT of nerve endings (in both men and women), and can offer some really fantastic experiences, if it’s treated right. So, to know that I’ve helped someone enjoy it… well, that’s the cat’s meow.

But then, she tells me that she’s discovered a horrible side effect of anal sex that I need to warn people about. And she HAS to explain exactly what she’s experienced.

I’ll let her tell it in her own words:

So, yesterday, before we checked out of the hotel, we had a particularly intense play session that ended in some extreme anal action…you know…the kind where he comes and you swear it shot all the way up into your spleen or something?

I reply, “Uh huh,” because, of course, I do know that feeling. It’s crazy awesome. She continues.

Well…he pulls out and there’s the horribly embarrassing farting sounds resulting from WAY too much air being forced in…and I hid…and he chuckled and it’s just funny.

Well, this happens. In the butt, in the vag… hell, in the mouth, given a good, hard throat fucking… but I digress.

So I go get cleaned up…and we check out…and I spent the rest of the day…kinda gassy (I know…tmi…but it’s why the story is hysterical)…BUT…we can NOT fart because…it would be a… (ready??)

A pause for dramatic effect.

.

.

.

.

.

DisASSter

Oh lordy!

She has a point, though. And I do discuss it in my book. And it’s NOT just cum. It’s any liquid-y thing you put up your bum.

Lube, for example, can dribble out of you after. Cum can. Melted ice cubes can…

Bottom line: Your ass is not meant to hold things in. Things can get messy after, without a good expelling/cleaning. It is what it is.

And it’s worth it.

You’ve been warned.

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Afternoon Musings

I want right now. I need.

Flesh. A body to react. Touching, teasing, scraping my nails along each muscle, each rib.

I want a taste. Sweet, salty.

I need passion. Desire. Surrender.

Words of affection and love and need whispered in my ear. “Please…” and “Fuck…”

I want right now. I need.

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“I’m Far From Your Typical, Mundane Male,” Or This Is Why You’re Single

meme

So, an ad I post on CL says that there are two things I’d like to see in a first message to me:

  • Face Picture (to start, after all, you’ve seen mine)
  • A Note About What You Resonate Most With In This Ad

Simple, right? And yet, so many people cant seem to manage this. So, I simply write back and tell them that I’m not interested, since they didn’t provide the information I requested… I also wish them good luck.

A recent hopeful got this message and wrote back, admonishing me for ignoring the fact that he said he preferred to talk to me by phone, so that explains logically why he didn’t include the information I asked for.

He said, “I’m Far From Your Typical, Mundane Male.”

I wrote back again with the following message:

This is the last time I’ll respond.

You are making a simple logical error, and since you brought up logic, you may appreciate and learn from this.

You said:

> I’m simply tired of the usual playing over email, rather than real adult conversation. I’m sorry if you don’t understand that fact.

I do understand that. And I respect your preferences.

I stated my preferences very clearly in my ad.

Your preferences are valid. My preferences are valid. Yours are not more valid than mine, nor mine than yours, except in our own personal lives.

So, when you chose to ignore my preferences in favor of your own when responding to my ad, you made it very clear your view of the world and your lack of respect for how I do things, before you’ve even met me.

And that’s cool.

I don’t think you are a bad person. It is just very clear to me from that single message (and the rest following) that we are not a match.

> I’m far from your typical, mundane male.

According to your messages so far, you have actually placed yourself firmly in the typical, mundane male category, by thinking that somehow your expectations of me should be more important to me than my own.

Best of luck to you in everything you do.

And my self-professed far from typical, mundane male replied with the most typical, mundane response:

You read nothing I said.

Please go play with your pathetic online losers.

Thank you.

sighs

If you have to tell someone you are INSERT DESCRIPTION HERE, you are probably not.

  • You are probably not dominant if you have to proclaim it.
  • You are probably not smart if you have to proclaim it.
  • You are probably not unique if you have to proclaim it.
  • You are probably not creative if you have to proclaim it.

And so on.

So, why not focus more on SHOWING you are not typical and mundane, rather than telling everyone?

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High Expectations

I got a complaint from a man the other day that my expectations are too high. This is not unusual. He said I was not looking for a man, but a god.

Why should I have such high expectations?

  • Why should I be allowed to ask for someone to text me throughout the day with silliness and sweet thoughts?
  • Or for an attractive man?
  • Or for a man who knows that holding doors and bringing me flowers makes me happy?
  • Or for a man that wants to just make me happy?
  • Or for a smart man?
  • Or a loving man?
  • A man who is masculine?
  • And submissive?
  • A man who makes me a priority?
  • Who is kind to waiters and customer service people?
  • Who is driven and has goals?
  • Who is not bigoted?
  • Who enjoys logic and debates?
  • Who is A-MAY-ZING at sex?

Why should I be allowed to ask for all that when there are so many wonderful submissives who want what I am?

Who want me, exactly as I am, a dominant woman.

Except… do they really want me exactly as I am?

No.

They have their own expectations as well. Their expectations are that I will be all this (gestures to me) AND want them.

Right?

Because they’ve already looked over my attributes (whatever they think they are, usually a few pictures), made their judgement, and decided that they have a right of first refusal.

And they don’t.

Sure. You can say I have high expectations.

After all, I’m not perfect. I shouldn’t expect it from others. And I don’t.

In fact, I expect NOTHING of you. Any of you. Unless you and I agree to something specific between us.

You don’t have to be ANY of those things. I love all of my friends exactly as they are.

If you are going to be mine, though, you have to be all of those things and more—you have to be a good fit FOR ME.

You see, I’ve already said before I’m not interested in settling. But, I’m also not interested in forcing anything.

Cancel a date I’d planned?
That’s OK.

Don’t return a text?
That’s OK.

Forget to compliment a pic I send you?
That’s OK.

The question about meeting that you ignored?
That’s OK.

Attempts at getting to know you, your thoughts and feelings, swiftly dodged?
That’s OK.

But you know what I see when I see those patterns in our interactions? I see what I don’t want from life. I see settling.

So, I don’t expect anything from you.

You be exactly who you are, I just don’t have to date you. Or own you. Or spank your bottom.

Those who constantly surprise and delight me with their best, though? Those are the ones who will get my best in return, friends and lovers.

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