Follow Me, Follow Me, Out Of The Vanilla…

Audio File:

You have a text from me.

Read it. FEEL it resonate inside you.

Don’t just let it slip by, another piece of pixel media on a busy day.

Take a moment to yourself, to follow me. Follow my mind in the tip-toe dance of teasing down paths of fantasy.

Take a deep breath, and plunge in after me for the time it takes to feel my words, to live my passion.

Yes, you’ll have to emerge. Your day will take you over again, until you hear my siren’s call, and feel your phone vibrate. An invitation to a private rendezvous.

You and I.

Mind to mind.

Building our ideas. One upon the other.

Take my hand and follow me as I lead you. As I lead your mind, your heart, your love, and your passion to a new place.

A sexy place.

A loving place.

A you and me place.

Ah. Your average day intrudes again. Travel and work and meetings and the minutiae that piles up. Until another notification sends your heart racing, and your hands grasping for your phone.

This time, it’s a reminder. Only one short hour, until.

Follow me while I give you pleasure. Follow me while I give you pain. Follow me while I give you love.

Follow me while I give you pieces of myself, and take pieces of you, making both of us stronger. More. Greater than the sum of our parts.

Follow me, my lover, my sweet, my dear one.

Follow me, follow me, out of the vanilla.

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Like A 3-Martini Lunch, Only Better!

So, once or twice a week,Pet and I have “Funch.” It’s a combination of three words:

  • fun
  • fucking
  • lunch

Although, to be fair, the fucking is usually not on the table. After all, he is SO DAMN GOOD with his hands and mouth, and I’m an evil sumabitch who controls his orgasms and yadda, yadda, yadda…

Anyway, so today with had funch. And I was feeling a bit… I dunno how to describe it… RAWR!

Yes, RAWR! will do nicely. That’s exactly how I was feeling.

So, I decided to step up my game today.

I got all gussied up in black leather boots, black lace hipster panties, and some pretty red lipstick. I then laid down on the bed to think my evil thoughts while pet was on the way.

By the time he arrived, I had a good idea of what I wanted to do.

When he walked in, he was surprised and excited, seeing me laying on the bed in my getup. When he was fully undressed, I stood over him by about 2 inches (heels and platforms, yay!), which heightened the effect I was going for.

We embraced, and I whispered a few naughty things about him being mine, and how he needs the love and the pain and the humiliation I offer him because it is how he knows I love him—all of him—and not just a idealized version of him.

His favorite and best answer to all of this is simply, “Yes, My Queen.”


Anyway, so then I bend him over the bed, legs slightly spread so I can play with his cock and ass a bit. I spank him, just because I can, and I tell him so. I’m sort of all over the place in what I’m doing, so he can’t get used to it, or expect anything, and when I check, he is dripping like a faucet in a $15 motel.

Which makes me grin and tease him for liking abuse so much.

Then, I instruct him to lay his chest on the bed and reach behind to spread his ass cheeks for me, because I’m going to fill him up while he pleasures me.

He does (of course!) like a good boy, and I put a really substantial stainless steel plug up his ass. I then move to the bed, and lay below him, to tease him with my mouth.

Now, here’s the fun thing about teasing him: He’s on orgasm control. No cumming until next Monday when I return from DC.


I know. I’m mean.

So, I’m teasing him with my mouth while he’s getting me off (I have no restrictions, of course!), and every once in a while, he has to pull back to stop himself.

Well, one of the things about sucking cock while orgasming, is that I suck harder. And that makes it very hard to not cum (right, Pet?). LOL!

So, He’s about to bust, and I release his cock from my mouth, and his orgasm is ruined. All over my neck and chest.

I say something like, “That’s a good boy! Let that ruined orgasm paint my neck and chest while you get me off hard knowing you’re going to clean up your mess… That’s it. Lick that cunt good… That OhhhhhhhAHHHHHHH!”


Now, I’m multi-orgasmic, and I like that fine, but there are times when a really big orgasms deserves to stand on it’s own, and this was one or those times, so I tapped out.

“On your knees,” I commanded, and he dropped to his knees (my head was hanging off the bed), and he licked my neck and chest clean, like a good little subby boy.

Then he kissed me, because I told him to, and climbed back on the bed to cuddle with me.

We cuddled for a few moments, but I was too worked up, so I sat up and started playing with him.

Apparently, he was too worked up as well, with that big heavy plug in his ass, my hand on his cock, me playing with his nipples…

I had to ruin his orgasm two more times.

I was laughing at the third one, which was particularly spectacular, and I said to him, “Some people have a three martini lunch. You get a three-ruined-orgasm funch.”


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Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior

Now, before you go all cray-cray on my ass, I am simply saying that lying is submissive behavior (versus dominant behavior), not that submissives lie.

Or, put another way:

In my view, you cannot be a Dominant and a liar.


Because when you lie, you are telling the world, “I do not have the confidence in myself to live life on my terms and with my truth.”

Instead, you are saying, “To get what I want, I have to trick others by manipulating their reality.”

Does this include lying by omission?

Yes! IF…

The lie is one you KNOW could lead to strife. Or that you even think could lead to train. Because then, avoiding the subject it NOT taking the world on your terms, it’s HIDING something.

It’s impossible to tell everyone everything. There are not enough hours in the day. That’s not the kind of lie of omission I’m talking about. Of course not.

It’s when you actively avoid telling someone something that might upset them.


Not wanting to upset someone.

So, you’re saying that you don’t feel like you have the chops to communicate it effectively and get us through whatever…

I don’t have the energy to fight.

Same as above.

If I told the truth, he/she wouldn’t let me, or would do something to make me feel bad if I did.

So, you admit that you are allowing yourself to be manipulated and are not standing up for your rights and needs.

If I said the truth, he/she might not date me.

So, you think that YOU are not good enough as you are, you need to lie to make yourself look better. Oh, and you’re willing to trade long-term gain and happiness (relationship built on truth) for short-term benefits (sex until he/she uncovers the lie).

I said ____ to get ____.

Similar to above, but with anything. You are saying that if you don’t lie, you don’t believe you can get what you want.

I said I’m this kind of person, when I’m really TRYING to be that kind of person.

You’re deluding yourself about who you are and your priorities in life.

See what I mean?

So, this is why I say lying is submissive behavior. I also say NO ONE never lies. We all do. However, the frequencies, the reasons, the effects and how we handle them, those all add up to the person we are.

And, just as submissives exhibit dominant behaviors sometimes (with children, for example), dominants exhibit submissive behaviors, too (with parents and bosses).

It doesn’t instantly invalidate your Dom card. However, like rust, it erodes away not just how you are perceived as a Dominant and human being, but also how you feel about you.

Because when you lie, you are not just telling the world all those things. You are telling yourself.


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Dominance & Vulnerability

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you feel like you’re not allowed to be out-of-sorts, sad, upset, weak or vulnerable, because you are THE DOMINANT.

It’s rough.

As a person who has taken responsibility for another human, the idea of making a mistake or being wrong in any way can seem pretty damn terrifying.

Ever been there?

I have. SO. Many. Times.

So many.

So, how do we get around this when it feels overwhelming? When we are battling with how we feel and what we may perceive as our roles.

But is being a dominant a role? An acting job?

Do I, as a female dominant need to look like online porn, have an implacable, icy exterior, and never be flawed or human?

GAWD, I hope not. If so, I’m doing it all wrong.

For me, it’s about reminding myself that I am dominant. It is part of who I am. It’s my chosen lifestyle and character.

That means, it’s always with me. It’s a part of who I am. Therefore, because that’s OK, the rest of me is as well.

That said, I also know that as the person who guides my relationships, I hold myself to a pretty high standard.

So, I know it’s OK to feel my emotions. Even to wallow in them once in a while for the full effect of humanity (going through the sappy songs on my iphone in alphabetical order, anyone?).

I have emotions, express emotions, and even ask people for support and company, without letting those emotions take over. Without trying to make others suffer with and for me, either intentionally or accidentally.

EVERYONE has negative emotions, sometimes. They are important. We learn more about ourselves and grow through our emotions. Everyone is vulnerable, sometimes.

What’s important as dominants is how we handle ourselves in our worst, most stressful states.

Hell, what’s important as HUMANS is how we handle ourselves in those states.

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One View On Interracial Cuckolding

My pet posted to tumblr about a first meeting I had:

My Queen is meeting a new black bull right now. I am excited for her and for us. It is a beautiful dance we navigate together. My stomach is flipped as I wait for updates on how they are getting along and if he worthy of courting her.

And another gent reblogged, adding the comment:

Cuckoldry is all fine and good, if you’re into that. But why are two shits given about the race of the other man? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

This is my view of interracial cuckolding, and my answer to him.

I can answer you for us, not for anyone else.

I’ve always loved the look of darker hair, darker eyes, darker skin. I was married to a black man and with him for 15 years of my life. While I’m not exclusively into black men, it’s been a preference of mine.

My Pet, well, he loves the aesthetics of seeing dark skin against my very pale flesh (I am naturally light-skinned, and I mostly stay out of the sun and use SPF). He also enjoys the idea that I look for someone completely different than he is in my lovers.

Since I tend to go for taller, very well-built, hung men as well, it adds another dimension of difference, which heightens the cuckoldry.

Also, since I have a sweet, pale, ginger boy for my very own that I love dearly, when I look for a lover, I tend to look for something very different. Variety. And since I naturally gravitate towards darker skin, that’s where my inclination is.

Now, for the bulls or lovers, they like it, too. They like the color contrast. Some like the race play. We certainly don’t play this game with anyone non-consensually or make an object out of anyone (unless they specifically want that).

And one more thing: A lot of my audience prefers interracial cuckolding as well, so the race is mentioned, so that they can not only enjoy what we do, but also realize that we do it, enjoy it, and it is an attainable lifestyle.

So, yes. We like black men in our lives, generally, although, so far, our favorite bull has been an Italian that lives in Phoenix…


It’s our preferences, but not in any way a prescription for anyone else’s cuckolding.

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Behavior Modification: Rewarding Spontaneous Acts, Exercise 4

On a private forum I participate in, a young man is learning the basics of leadership. Here is his report of an event.

Thursday Evening


When you are about to go bed tonight, take a picture of yourself laying in your bed and send to me.
I want to imagine I am there with you


i don’t want to be disobedient but i truly hate selfies. make it up to you some other way?


( I just called her , didn’t acknowledge that she didn’t comply)

Although this is not the point of this writing, I want to point out his two errors here:

1. Not following through on the request. If she does not comply, that needs acknowledgement, and best case, another task is set to make it up to him.

2. Not responding to her words. That “feels” shady and manipulative, which, in this case it actually is. It will come back to bite him, in the future.

Friday Day


(gets home and sends me another pic of here in the mirror) which I hadn’t requested and sends the msg:

I owe you from earlier since i didn’t want to ask anyone from work to take it


(I called her)
(she immediately commented if I had gotten her pic}
( I felt that since I hadn’t asked for it that I didn’t want to reenforce that in her, I stated that she din’t owe me anything ( I did not thank her)

THIS is the main reason for this writing.

So, the story thus for, he asks her for a selfie. She makes an excuse and does not send it, but the next day, when he asks for a few pics on other things, she complies, AND sends him a selfie WITHOUT his asking when she gets home from work.

My Response To Him

Wait. You don’t want to reinforce her sending you pictures of herself?

THAT was a selfie. She took it. FOR YOU. To please you.

No, you didn’t ask her.


That’s even better!

That’s not leading, that’s trying to make you happy.

AND, it’s getting her closer to taking that bedroom pic you want at some point.

Here’s the thing about this: You don’t want to micromanage every interaction. You want her to want to please you, to look for ways to please you. If you don’t even thank her when she does, two things will happen:

1. She will learn to ALWAYS wait for instructions.
2. She will get resentful that something she did to make you happy was ignored.

Now, moving forward, one of the most important skills in behavior modification, especially over time, is the ability to critically assess daily, spontaneous actions for:

  • Things I Like
  • Things I Don’t Like

And ALWAYS ALWAYS reward ‘Things I Like.’ Period. ALWAYS.

Even better when ‘Things I Like’ are offered up spontaneously. Because that means that your subject is responsive to you, and wants to please and get rewarded (with things they like).


In the next three days, watch for ‘Things I Like,’ and reward them with acknowledgement, smiling, thanking your subject, and etc.

Make notes of all the things you have found.

If you missed something and realized it later, make a note of that as well.

Look over your list. See how many things your partner can do to make you happy?

What would life be like if these things happened daily? Or regularly?

I’d love to hear your experiences.

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Behavior Modification: Conscious or Unconscious, Exercise 3

I’ve been participating in a thread on Fet in which a young lady is asking after some behavior modification techniques, and I realized that it’s a new year, and what I’m writing about relates to what we do around this time every year:

New Year’s Resolutions

Yeah. As I was writing my replies to this woman, I realized that many people who read my writings would probably enjoy some of the insights provided, and could maybe use them to help their mate achieve their New Year’s Resolutions this time around.

Conscious Behavior Modification

She said, in response to a question I had posted:

It’s not like Him to reward every small step but He does reward if He sees a clearer sign of change, or acknowledges it, but He feels like having to acknowledge every little thing is a waste… and in that view I do also. Rewarding a bigger improvement gives more motivation.

What she is describing is not classical behavior modification. It’s simply a relationship with feedback.

Which, I should note, definitely modifies behavior. In a haphazard way. I use the example in my class of having arguments every time you discuss a particular topic, which then leads you to not bring up that topic (even if it is important to you). Your behavior has been modified, although, perhaps not in the way that was intended.

Behavior modification, as it’s usually spoken about in kink and the groups on Fet (as I experience it) is more akin to classical conditioning, which is less about what the subject THINKS they respond to and what actually works on a subconscious level.

SMALL improvements being rewarded lead to small improvements being repeated, and leading to large improvements over time.

For example, if I are trying to train a hyperactive puppy to sit and stay for 5 minutes, it does not make sense to wait until I have the full project done to reward. A hyperactive puppy will never get there, and will never get the chance for reward.

Positively reinforcing every little step (butt hits the ground for a second, butt hits the ground and stays put for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds, etc.) makes each of those steps more likely to happen and eventually become the “new norm” that then build on the next improvement.

It’s good for you to have a BIG reward to look forward to, sure. That’s human. But encouragement and rewards for small steps are what will keep your brain subconsciously engaged and striving.

For example, let’s say your mate has a goal to lose 30 pounds, and wants your help.

30 pounds is a lot of effort to wait for any feedback. Positive reinforcement for EVERY healthy choice, every walk, every workout, every small change in appearance…

That will go a lot farther to keeping your mate on track than silence until the big goal is reached, and predisposes them every single time to making a better (and therefore rewarded) choice next time.

And when they reach 30 and get the big payoff, that’s awesome as well, but the smaller rewards were really what got them through.

Subconscious Behavior Modification

She said, of her own experience:

I have trouble following if I don’t know or am aware of the goal or situation.

I was speaking on subconscious levels, and she was speaking of her conscious awareness.

Here’s an example of when modifying behavior on a conscious level is a lot more work, and probably not ideal.

My Pet, when we met, loved to masturbate. A LOT. A LOT LOT. LOL!

I wanted orgasm control. He’d shared a blog with me about something related to submission, and I noticed the guy writing the blog was caged. I asked if that was something he was interested in.

OMG! No! He really liked masturbating. He couldn’t imagine not masturbating.

Ok. Cool.

A little over a year later, he was asking me to take control of his orgasms.


Now, there are a few important things to note here:

1. I had secured permission to “play in his head.”

2. I also renew this permission every 4-6 weeks. I think it’s hot to have such permission, and it is also good for him to consciously open himself up to my manipulations (which affect his subconsciousness).

3. I did not EVER during that time actually mention that I wanted to control his orgasms. Only after he asked did I gush about how enthusiastic I was, and he finally “got it, ” and asked how long I’d been working on it.

4. The reason I did not mention it is because then, he could have put up a block against the manipulation without realizing. Sometimes we do this, even with things we want, because we associate them with pain of some sort subconsciously. By not allowing him to put up that wall, I simply had to reward him positively every time he took a small step towards the path I wanted in attitude:

  • sharing blogs or writings with men in chastity/orgasm control.
  • not masturbating one night, because he was “saving” for me.
  • not cumming because he was saving for me.


So, to go back to the original example of weight loss, if your mate wants to lose weight, but associates pain and deprivation with dieting, this sort of subtle rewards system can help put them on the right path over time, rather than trying to force them to acknowledge and understand the change.

Another example from my reply to her is that she said she didn’t enjoy anal sex:

I also have a reluctance with anal. I have tried it and so far, I am aware it starts out unpleasant and then ends up almost overwhelming but pleasurable. At the same time I’m reluctant because I don’t like the discomfort or the concept.

Let me just say: Anal does not have to start out unpleasant. In fact, the starting parts can be the most pleasant of all, if you have trained right.

So, let’s talk about training, and what steps I would take (and teach):

1. Dirty talking about anal, until you asked me for it.
2. Teasing the outside of your asshole until you were naturally opening to let me in.
3. Teasing between the two sphincters until you were begging for more.
4. Going in deeper, again, as your own body learned to trust me and opened up for me.
5. Possibly dirty talking (if you respond to that) to add pleasure and variety.
6. Starting the widening/filling process.
7. Work up to larger sizes with multiple fingers and toys.
8. Go for it.
9. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS stop if there is ANY pain or discomfort. It means you went too fast.


This takes time, which many people don’t particularly like. However, it also associates ONLY pleasure with anal, and makes crazy anal sluts who love it.

For example, this man, who is a BETA tester for my Learn To Love Anal program for men:

Three weeks ago I would have scoffed at the suggestion that today I could accommodate the better part of my middle finger without any pain or discomfort. But thanks to your written guidance and audio program, today that happened. And I was so lost in the sensation and pleasure that I drooled all over the pillow supporting my head.

Damn, woman, what are you doing to me! I love it!

Now, keep in mind, I have never met this man, have never touched him, have never spoken to him personally. I have written to him via message on Fet, and provided him with my written instructions and audio guidance.

Nothing more.

Now, this type of conditioning would work for the original young lady, but it would also take even more time to overcome her negative experiences and association of anal = pain. That belief makes her tighten up even more (subconsciously) in the initial stages and MORE likely to feel pain, making her mindset a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, that’s why rewarding small steps with pleasure works.

But not overnight.


Choose two different behaviors you’d like to modify. One that your mate WANTS to modify (enlist their help, involve them in the process), and one that you’d like to modify for yourself.

Make sure you have their full permission and trust.

Find small things to reward. Every small step towards your goal (whether they know what your goal is or not) is rewardable, until it becomes the norm, then only the next step is rewardable.

Keep a journal of how progress is coming, and the things you are rewarding.

Understand actually changing behavior takes time. Like New Year’s Resolutions, changes in intentions are FAST. Changes in behaviors… not so much. Remember my example above of orgasm control. A YEAR. A full year to make him think it was his idea… yes, of course I ‘fessed up and asked him again if he likes me playing in his head, LOL!

Make notes of overall improvement for you to see as well, to reward your behavior for putting in the time and effort, and to look back over, when things seem to be taking a long time.


I’d love to hear what any of you have done with behavior modification, especially in conscious versus unconscious areas.


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On Ownership

To me, if you’re doing it right, ownership and being owned go hand-in-hand.

I have written this piece over and over this morning, trying to explain it. I have written pages of words that mean little and ramble lots.

I deleted them, and I’m going back to the simplest example I can think of.


Kaizen was my Dogo Argentino, pictured below, to the right.

There is no doubt I owned him. He was mine. Heart and soul. My boy.

And yet, he was 125 pounds (at this prime) of muscle and animal and instinct. He had his own notions about the world in general, and people that didn’t always match well with mine.

He was well-trained. Pleasant. And still a beast, however the veneer may have looked at any time.

In many ways, our 9 1/2 years together was a partnership. I owned him, sure. It was clear that ownership came with strings that he tied around my heart and wove through my life, though.

He was my dog. My boy. My big galoot. I was his owner. His source of food and walkies and fetch and treats and safety and comfort.

He owns a piece of my heart, still, even though he is gone.

It’s the same with the people in my life.

When I own, I am also owned. By duty. By need. By love.

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Power in D/s Relationships

I was reading this discussion on FetLife:


I read with interest, although I will admit that I didn’t necessarily read with attention to each detailed point being made. My brain was already onto thinking about my experiences, and wanting to write about them.


So, the premise of the OP (original post) is that in scenes or relationships, if person A wants to be spanked, and person B wants to spank, then there is no power exchanged.

I’ll agree.

However, that is simplistic.

For example, in my relationship, there is more than a spanking.

Pet wants to be spanked. It’s a thing for him.

He does not ALWAYS want to be spanked. He does not necessarily want to be spanked that hard or for punishment right now.

And yet, he consents to that, because it is a part of our dynamic.

You may not call that my power. I’m cool with that. But in the case of this discussion, it is.

Another example: Early in our relationship, I asked Pet to try something with me, a set of cock exercises. He was skeptical. However, because he felt our relationship was worth it, he did them.

To me, that is power.

I got what I wanted, despite his skepticism.

And, when the effects really began to pay off, I got even more power, because I will get what I want more often, because he has been positively rewarded.

Now, some people MAY give this sort of thing up for a scene. Sure.

I see it far more often in longer-term relationships, as the balance of power goes from “Sure, I’ll do that thing I like doing when D-type tells me,” to “I’ll do what D-type tells me, even when I don’t want, and I won’t whine, because D-type has shown me that it works out well for me (or badly for me when I don’t).”

Of course, I don’t always see that in long-term relationships, either.

Trust is a component of power in many relationships, and it sometimes never built, and therefore power is never really shifted.

And that’s OK.

However, I do love my power. *smiles*

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