Behavior Modification: Conscious or Unconscious, Exercise 3

I’ve been participating in a thread on Fet in which a young lady is asking after some behavior modification techniques, and I realized that it’s a new year, and what I’m writing about relates to what we do around this time every year:

New Year’s Resolutions

Yeah. As I was writing my replies to this woman, I realized that many people who read my writings would probably enjoy some of the insights provided, and could maybe use them to help their mate achieve their New Year’s Resolutions this time around.

Conscious Behavior Modification

She said, in response to a question I had posted:

It’s not like Him to reward every small step but He does reward if He sees a clearer sign of change, or acknowledges it, but He feels like having to acknowledge every little thing is a waste… and in that view I do also. Rewarding a bigger improvement gives more motivation.

What she is describing is not classical behavior modification. It’s simply a relationship with feedback.

Which, I should note, definitely modifies behavior. In a haphazard way. I use the example in my class of having arguments every time you discuss a particular topic, which then leads you to not bring up that topic (even if it is important to you). Your behavior has been modified, although, perhaps not in the way that was intended.

Behavior modification, as it’s usually spoken about in kink and the groups on Fet (as I experience it) is more akin to classical conditioning, which is less about what the subject THINKS they respond to and what actually works on a subconscious level.

SMALL improvements being rewarded lead to small improvements being repeated, and leading to large improvements over time.

For example, if I are trying to train a hyperactive puppy to sit and stay for 5 minutes, it does not make sense to wait until I have the full project done to reward. A hyperactive puppy will never get there, and will never get the chance for reward.

Positively reinforcing every little step (butt hits the ground for a second, butt hits the ground and stays put for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds, etc.) makes each of those steps more likely to happen and eventually become the “new norm” that then build on the next improvement.

It’s good for you to have a BIG reward to look forward to, sure. That’s human. But encouragement and rewards for small steps are what will keep your brain subconsciously engaged and striving.

For example, let’s say your mate has a goal to lose 30 pounds, and wants your help.

30 pounds is a lot of effort to wait for any feedback. Positive reinforcement for EVERY healthy choice, every walk, every workout, every small change in appearance…

That will go a lot farther to keeping your mate on track than silence until the big goal is reached, and predisposes them every single time to making a better (and therefore rewarded) choice next time.

And when they reach 30 and get the big payoff, that’s awesome as well, but the smaller rewards were really what got them through.

Subconscious Behavior Modification

She said, of her own experience:

I have trouble following if I don’t know or am aware of the goal or situation.

I was speaking on subconscious levels, and she was speaking of her conscious awareness.

Here’s an example of when modifying behavior on a conscious level is a lot more work, and probably not ideal.

My Pet, when we met, loved to masturbate. A LOT. A LOT LOT. LOL!

I wanted orgasm control. He’d shared a blog with me about something related to submission, and I noticed the guy writing the blog was caged. I asked if that was something he was interested in.

OMG! No! He really liked masturbating. He couldn’t imagine not masturbating.

Ok. Cool.

A little over a year later, he was asking me to take control of his orgasms.


Now, there are a few important things to note here:

1. I had secured permission to “play in his head.”

2. I also renew this permission every 4-6 weeks. I think it’s hot to have such permission, and it is also good for him to consciously open himself up to my manipulations (which affect his subconsciousness).

3. I did not EVER during that time actually mention that I wanted to control his orgasms. Only after he asked did I gush about how enthusiastic I was, and he finally “got it, ” and asked how long I’d been working on it.

4. The reason I did not mention it is because then, he could have put up a block against the manipulation without realizing. Sometimes we do this, even with things we want, because we associate them with pain of some sort subconsciously. By not allowing him to put up that wall, I simply had to reward him positively every time he took a small step towards the path I wanted in attitude:

  • sharing blogs or writings with men in chastity/orgasm control.
  • not masturbating one night, because he was “saving” for me.
  • not cumming because he was saving for me.


So, to go back to the original example of weight loss, if your mate wants to lose weight, but associates pain and deprivation with dieting, this sort of subtle rewards system can help put them on the right path over time, rather than trying to force them to acknowledge and understand the change.

Another example from my reply to her is that she said she didn’t enjoy anal sex:

I also have a reluctance with anal. I have tried it and so far, I am aware it starts out unpleasant and then ends up almost overwhelming but pleasurable. At the same time I’m reluctant because I don’t like the discomfort or the concept.

Let me just say: Anal does not have to start out unpleasant. In fact, the starting parts can be the most pleasant of all, if you have trained right.

So, let’s talk about training, and what steps I would take (and teach):

1. Dirty talking about anal, until you asked me for it.
2. Teasing the outside of your asshole until you were naturally opening to let me in.
3. Teasing between the two sphincters until you were begging for more.
4. Going in deeper, again, as your own body learned to trust me and opened up for me.
5. Possibly dirty talking (if you respond to that) to add pleasure and variety.
6. Starting the widening/filling process.
7. Work up to larger sizes with multiple fingers and toys.
8. Go for it.
9. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS stop if there is ANY pain or discomfort. It means you went too fast.


This takes time, which many people don’t particularly like. However, it also associates ONLY pleasure with anal, and makes crazy anal sluts who love it.

For example, this man, who is a BETA tester for my Learn To Love Anal program for men:

Three weeks ago I would have scoffed at the suggestion that today I could accommodate the better part of my middle finger without any pain or discomfort. But thanks to your written guidance and audio program, today that happened. And I was so lost in the sensation and pleasure that I drooled all over the pillow supporting my head.

Damn, woman, what are you doing to me! I love it!

Now, keep in mind, I have never met this man, have never touched him, have never spoken to him personally. I have written to him via message on Fet, and provided him with my written instructions and audio guidance.

Nothing more.

Now, this type of conditioning would work for the original young lady, but it would also take even more time to overcome her negative experiences and association of anal = pain. That belief makes her tighten up even more (subconsciously) in the initial stages and MORE likely to feel pain, making her mindset a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, that’s why rewarding small steps with pleasure works.

But not overnight.


Choose two different behaviors you’d like to modify. One that your mate WANTS to modify (enlist their help, involve them in the process), and one that you’d like to modify for yourself.

Make sure you have their full permission and trust.

Find small things to reward. Every small step towards your goal (whether they know what your goal is or not) is rewardable, until it becomes the norm, then only the next step is rewardable.

Keep a journal of how progress is coming, and the things you are rewarding.

Understand actually changing behavior takes time. Like New Year’s Resolutions, changes in intentions are FAST. Changes in behaviors… not so much. Remember my example above of orgasm control. A YEAR. A full year to make him think it was his idea… yes, of course I ‘fessed up and asked him again if he likes me playing in his head, LOL!

Make notes of overall improvement for you to see as well, to reward your behavior for putting in the time and effort, and to look back over, when things seem to be taking a long time.


I’d love to hear what any of you have done with behavior modification, especially in conscious versus unconscious areas.