Are You A Priority? Do You Really Want To Be?

The original meme didn’t have the bits about it being bullshit, of course… But it is.

Or rather, it might be.

Thing is, lots of people ARE really busy. To suggest that some people do not have more on their plate than others is denying reality.

    • Some have kids.
    • A job with long hours.
    • A dying parent.
    • Heavy volunteer efforts.
    • All of the above.

How would you feel if that amazing person gave these up for you. Honestly. In two years, when they don’t have a job, but hey, you’re their priority!

Or, when their children are neglected, but they always have time for you.

And of course, the priority list does come into play, yes. However…

If your schedules do not mesh, or if your priority to see them is not high, either, then it will not work. Also, if you need more time than they can offer, it will also not work. Not because you are not their priority, but because they just do not have enough left after their life.

And that’s OK.

Meme/quotes like that are built-in confirmation bias.

They tell you something you (the reader) want to hear, so that you can feel smug and superior.

Those that resonate with this pass it on, and “connect” with others who also pass it on, creating their bubble on group-think, all having this though:

“So-and-so is lying. They do have time. They aren’t making me a priority.”

MAYBE that’s true. Maybe it’s not. Saying it, so that you can feel justified in being angry and condescending instead of feeling hurt is not truth.

It is simply a defense mechanism to feel better.

 

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Ownership Is Always Mutual

He is my sub, I am his Queen.

I am owned as thoroughly as he. Equally, with different responsibilities and tasks.

Were I to abandon my new scarf by leaving it on a subway, it will no longer be my scarf. Someone else will pick it up, and it will become theirs.

It remains mine only so long as I keep investing myself in it and it’s care.

(Interestingly, the original meaning of “invest” is to clothe yourself with something, to enter into something that you wrap around yourself.)

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Poly Thinking VS. Mono Thinking? Or Something More?

I’m on a lot of dating/connecting sites. I turn off my profile and turn it back on when I feel, but like to keep myself out there, meeting interesting people.

Anyway, a guy that I’ve turned down in the past (not a match) sends me a message. I’m friendly, we chat, and then…

He says:

I’m glad, it’s always a shame to come back to this..or to see someone that you’re familiar with back on as well. I hope you find what you’re looking for. My offer for coffee and chat is always open…or just safe chat on here if you ever need to vent to a “faceless” entity. Since we’ve seen each other on Craig’s and here it means we aren’t having the best of luck. ​

My reply:

I think you read my presence here wrong. I have a long-term partner whom I love to pieces. I’m poly and a cuckoldress, and I enjoy dating sites to keep my options open. I’m not here because I’m not having luck. I’m here because I’m open to the right possibilities coming into my life. smiles

So, I looked back, and I realized that one of the man reasons I wasn’t into this guy was that he seemed mono-minded to me, even though he claimed to be poly. Didn’t want an “open relationship,” had issues with a girlfriend having a same-sex roommate, didn’t want a lover going to dinner with an ex and so on…

So, I thought that maybe it’s a mono thing.

If I see you today and you turn me down, but you’re still here 6 months later, maybe your standards have changed?

But, I don’t think that’s it.

I think it’s something deeper. A way of looking at the world.

What say you?

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I Absolutely, Positively Refuse Your Request To Jackoff To Or On My Photos!

So there!

stomps foot

Bet that’s stops you, huh?

Wait.

No?

It doesn’t?

You mean I CAN’T control your behavior with my pixelated demands? You’re going to do whatever you want regardless of my stern and demanding words on a screen, you say?

The foot stomp doesn’t help even a little?

Well, duh.

So why even bother asking?

I mean, really. I can’t control you. I don’t own you. I haven’t a relationship with you. Hell, I don’t even know you.

So, of course you can do whatever to any of my pictures that you see fit. I can’t stop you.

I also have zero interest in participating in your fetish without my consent, and I don’t particularly want to hear about your pervy activity or see the results.

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When They Don’t Love You Back…

It hurts.

Even when they do love you back, but it’s just not as much as you love them. Or as much as you need them to. Or enough to make that change that will make you happy together… for now.

Of course it hurts. But WHY does it hurt?

It’s not because you love them. It’s because you want them to love you.

In a very specific way.

It’s your emotions throwing a tantrum when they don’t get what they want.

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Your Ex: Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde? Actually, It’s You AND Them.

In my writing yesterday, @Innermind said:

It’s always fascinating when someone writes about how awesome their lover is when they are together and just trash them once the relationship ends. Were they dating two different people?

Which inspired me to write about this. I’ve thought about this quite a bit, and I’d say there is one primary reason for it.

According to Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain by David Eagleman:

“…[your brain is] made up of an entire parliament of pieces and parts and subsystems. Beyond a collection of local expert systems, we are collections of overlapping, ceaselessly reinvented mechanisms, a group of competing factions. The conscious mind fabricates stories to explain the sometimes inexplicable dynamics of the subsystems inside the brain. It can be disquieting to consider the extent to which all of our actions are driven by hardwired systems, doing what they do best, while we overlay stories about our choices.

It’s why we want to lose weight and get healthy while simultaneously skipping a workout and eating ice cream out of the container. Or why we decide to work harder to get ahead in our careers, and find ourselves operating with the same habitual behaviors.

So, knowing that, it’s like a battle in our heads between our two selves. Not unlike a political election:

IncurableRomanticMe

Fights for the relationship and the love and focuses only on what goes right.

SkepticalCantakerousMe

Fights to show all the bad things, the things that will lead to ruin, to hurt and loneliness.

And like politics, we don’t just have two parties with their own agendas.

CaptainSaveAHoMe

Our white knight of social justice sees what SkepticalCantakerousMe is focusing on, and just knows it’s because our partner hasn’t been loved enough, and gets to the task of changing that.

BlubberingBonnieMe

Can’t help but despair, thinking of how all of these types of things have ended in the past…

CrazyAsFuckMe

Will fly off the handle with rage, with love, with lust, with power—you never really know, but strong emotions fuel this me, and if he breaks free from the straight jacket… well, we’ve all been there at least once in love, right?

So, like a political campaign, these selves are jockeying for power, and when they are tops in the polls, they act, posting on social media:

“Never has a daddy been so amazing, evah!Right? We all do it a bit here and there. And we realize this is more socially acceptable than what CrazyAsFuckMe from our fight last night might have to say.

So, these things go on through the relationship. When SkepticalCantakerousMe makes a really good point or CrazyAsFuckMe gets loose and wreaks havoc, and the opinion polls starts to swing their way, IncurableRomanticMe steps up their game with over-the-top political ads, telling friends, family, and the world how wonderful things are.

And swings things back their way.

In some campaigns, the candidates are relatively friendly and civil, working together, sharing notes and pulling for the good of all.

Others, well, just look at 2016… sighs

The end of a relationship is like an election where SkepticalCantakerousMe wins. And sometimes, it’s an upset and one of the independents wins, and CrazyAsFuckMe goes fucking insane and gets spiteful, and generally send an atom bomb into their lives and other relationships, trying to eradicate the debris…

And, once things have settled a bit, the parties pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and the cycle starts all over again—a battle for power and control.

Our brains are complicated. And so are the brains of those we love.

We’re like two countries trying to ally, while our own inner factions and political turmoil are raising a ruckus about what we really want and the directions we’re going in.

It’s confusing as fuck look at it from the outside, as you said, @Innermind. If you really pay attention to what’s going on, it’s WAY crazier behind the scenes.

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Stop Talking Shit About Your Ex, Seriously!

I rarely say bad things about my exes. After all, they are pretty awesome people (I picked them, LOL!) for the most part.

Also, there is this thing called trait transference that I recently learned about, but have been watching in action pretty much my whole life…

What is trait transference?

Simple.

The words you say about others, others will ascribe to you.

Uh huh.

Read that again.

What you say about people is what people will think about you.

So, I could talk smack about all my exes. I could air their dirty laundry, and say horrible, mean, nasty things about them… and you—all of you—will deep down file those things away in the brain cabinet marked “Nookie,” and I will be the horrible, mean, nasty one, as far as your mind is concerned.

Ewww.

Sure, people in my life have done terrible things to me. I’ll even talk about them, sometimes here in writing, sometimes in private.

I have a choice HOW I speak of my experiences.

And that’s what it’s all about, right? How we choose to handle ourselves and our experiences is what people will judge us on, long-term.

So saying negative things reflects negatively on me. And you.

Oh, and another thing… While you’re foaming at the mouth over how your ex is a despicable human not worth wasting air on, we’re all wondering what you’ll say about us if things go south…

Think about how you speak about your exes—well what you say about everyone—to others. Pay attention to how others speak of those relationships in their lives that have gone wrong.

What we say reveals more about us and who we have to be to choose those words, that attitude, than it ever could about the person we’re speaking of.

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Writing Prompt: What Do Your Mornings Look Like?

My head is full of stuff I have to get done, code things to try to figure out, ideas.

My lap is full of computer, notepads with scribbles and jots, pens, and a cat.

My life is full of amazing people, wonderful experiences, and plans for the future.

My heart is full of love and happiness.

I just wrote this in a message response to a polite inquiry, and realized that it’s how I have always wanted my mornings to look. I’ve worked hard to design my life, and morning are my favorite part of my day.

The Prompt

What do your mornings look like?

  • Are you a morning person?
  • Do you need coffee before civility?
  • Can you even be civil before noon?
  • Do you jump right into activity, or do you spend mindful time welcoming the day?

Feel free to write to me or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

I’ve posted my inspiration for this prompt above. I usually don’t want to influence anyone, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses, however, I think we all know ourselves well enough to make this happen.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

I’m looking forward to reading your responses!

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Trust, In Response To My Prompt

In my prompt, I said that to me trust is both given and earned.

In the beginning, I would take what @ahplanez said:

We have to trust people to some extent in order for us to interact with them in the first place.

This is the start. We trust that the person we are greeting at our place of work is not about to take out a gun and shoot us.

We trust that the other car coming in the opposite direction will stay in their lane, as we plan to stay in ours.

We trust that courtesy will be matched with courtesy.

In response to my prompt, @usfixerspet said:

in my opinion, trust is the act of believing in someone and believing that they will act or behave in the manner they have said or implied they would.

And the next step. Someone says something about who they are, about what they will do (either in direct contact, or in writing—a profile, a journal entry), and I take them on faith.

For example, in my work, I lead a lot of teams made of up of disparate individuals. What makes it work is trust that they will do their jobs, so others can get their parts done as well.

I often ask, “When can you get this done, and what do you need for it?” In the beginning, I double both, until I know how accurate they are of assessing their own skills from experience.

I trust them to make a good faith effort.

@Just_Louise said:

I think how much you trust another person can vary on what knowledge you have of someone because who you trust determines who may have power over you. You can trust different people to different degrees. For example, you may give a lot of trust to someone who is a medical doctor to the point that you may trust this person with your life without having much other knowledge of who they are.

Which adds to the equation. I will trust someone who presents as a developer on what to do with my code over someone who presents as a kindergarten teacher.

@RouxFaraHara said:

I wish I could be like you and just easily give it and then have it earned, but my past does not allow that sadly.

And my response is best summed up by what @NaturesChild wrote in their response:

Self Trust: No matter how many times trust has been proven, one is only capable of trusting as much as one trusts oneself. We can trust someone less (due to experience and perspective) but not more as doubt and insecurity will win every time.

It’s as much about trusting ourselves to make the right decisions when it comes to trust as it is about them being deserving of our trust.

It’s easy to doubt ourselves when we are blindsided by a betrayal or dishonesty we didn’t see coming. It’s up to us to pick ourselves up and look for all of the times we have been right, and start all over again.

For ourselves, as much as for other people.

@belovedpet said:

Trust is a leap of faith, every time.

And _smash_ delved into the differences between faith and trust in her response piece.

@TeddybearSpanks touched on something that I find incredibly hot:

What is the point when one has enough evidence the other person is trustworthy? Maybe this is a kind of an edgeplay for me.

That’s part of what D/s is about for me. Part of why I’m exploring the ideas and concepts of trust right now. I’m looking deeply into what we do, and why we do it. What makes it so powerful a bond to me.

@jbravo469 said:

I read something the other day that rang true to me: you don’t know who you can trust until you do.

Which, after thinking about it, rings true to me as well.

Distrust breeds distrust. It is a deep cycle, and very hard to break free.

Trust breeds trust. Same cycle in a different direction.

Sure, I may be wrong sometimes. Of course. No one is infallible. But I give the trust to everyone that I can afford to lose, and enjoy the ride.

And the last part of trust as we’ve discussed it so far is from @BambiBlue, who said:

A small mistake can be forgiven and forgotten, a purposeful breach of trust though means a loss of a play partner, a friendship, the end of a marriage perhaps.

And this is the key, right? As I said, no one is infallible. Mistakes will happen.

We trust that someone will not break our trust intentionally, and if they break it by mistake, they will do their best to make amends.

Trust.

Such a simple, innate thing. And yet, so much goes into it from every side.

Thank you all for participating with your thoughts, your writings, and your reading. I’ve enjoyed this.

I have another writing in me about trust. It’ll be coming soon.

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