An Epiphany, Or How I Can Be So Fucking Dense

So, I read a piece by TheFerrett almost a month ago, Mastering Polyamorous Alert Notifications, and I thought to myself, “Hey, I should discuss this with my Pet. I think we have different alerts.”

But, I didn’t. He was out of town (and out of cell range). I was missing him, and life was hectic. I kept it up in my browser for three weeks, and kept meaning to talk it over… and then my browser windows closed, and I lost it, although I still knew it was “there” and needed discussing, it didn’t happen.

Because I’m dense.

Oh, and that’s not the only proof. Believe me. I’ll tell you more, but…

First a story.

As I wrote over 6 years ago, I was once married. And it was abusive.

Not physically. I totally could have seen that.

No, it was far more insidious. The man who claimed to love me above all others went from being a devoted and attentive partner to being a judgmental, abusive alcoholic.

But it was so slow, that the difference between the first year and the last was not noticed by me until WAY too late.

Anyway, as I have said many times, I was not good with people for most of my life. I’m still not, sometimes. And back then, it was a point of weakness that my ex could use against me.

And here is one way he did it.

When I met new people, men, women, whomever, and I told him and got excited about new potential and experiences, he would wait until something went wrong, and point out how bad I was with people, or at reading people, and make it all my fault.

If I was eager to be friends, and they didn’t follow through, it was my awkwardness. If they wanted more from me (sexually, for example), it was my fault. It was my fault I was staked by a near stranger.

So, I stopped being ans open and enthusiastic and excited. I stopped telling him when I met new people, and eventually stopped meeting many new people.

I told myself it was because of business. I was crazy busy building an empire, and it was easy to throw myself into that, and not place blame on him, where it belonged.

My boyfriend after, when i told him about meeting new people, would launch into diatribes about “I don’t trust him. I trust you, but I don’t trust him.”

So, I kept quiet.

Which bring me to denseness proof #2…

I have an amazing relationship with my Pet. From day 1.

And he has asked me over and over in plain English to tell him when I’m meeting people, and what it means.

I kept interpreting that to mean, “Tell me when something may turn into sex.”

Which is NOT what he meant at all.

Denseness proof #3

And I didn’t realize that I was hiding things.

Denseness proof #4

And I didn’t realize that it would feed his insecurities. Make him wonder what I was up to, make him guess the worst.

Because I was busy protecting myself and logic-ing it.

After all, he didn’t need to know when I just met someone for tea, right? It didn’t mean anything. It was just a chat.

Unless it turned into sex.

MORE denseness proof…

And yet, he is a cuckold. Even the insignificant (to me) tea meetings could be a source of connection to me and my world. To the jealousies he loves to experience. To the security of knowing that I am open and share everything with him.

He said he wanted to know everything.

I didn’t TRUST him.

I figured he wanted to know everything EXCEPT the uncomfortable stuff. Or the stuff that didn’t matter, in my eyes.

When he was telling me (for years, literally), everything.

I know now.

I have made that synapse connection.

It is now a policy. And I’m glad. I’m relieved, in a way. To not have to bear the burden of “when to tell?”

And even more glad that Pet took the time to allow me to understand, despite his frustration over my seemingly pinpointed idiocy.

And now…

I know I will never shy away from being 100% straightforward again. Because if a partner cannot accept me and my life, they do not belong in a position of partnership.

I should have realized that Pet was better than all of my fears and insecurities (even if I didn’t know I had them, even if I thought I was over them).

I do, now.

I may still be dense. I may still sometimes be an idiot. I will always be human.

This, however, I have overcome.